Screamboat Review: Willie Make It?

What kind of a mickey mouse production is this?

I really, really wanted to begin my review of Screamboat by saying that, in donating the Staten Island ferryboat that he and Pete Davidson co-own, Colin Jost has finally made a contribution to cinema on a par with those of his wife, Scarlett Johansson.

I wanted to. But if I'm being honest, Screamboat ain't quite there. And mind you, this is coming from someone who liked both Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey movies and thinks David Howard Thornton is a damn national treasure (follow him on Facebook if you hate Trump, and you'll love him even more.). Perhaps fittingly for a public domain cash-in horror movie, however, Screamboat feels rushed out unfinished, like a first draft. There are moments in it I love...and too many nothing-happening shots that just kill any momentum.

Opening with a quote attributed to “Walt D,” the movie opens with a sequence in which two ferry crew members find the original antique name plaque for their soon-to-be-retired boat – naturally, it's called the “Mortimer,” one of many Disney references and in-jokes throughout. Prying the plaque loose opens a previously sealed compartment, setting free something that promptly attacks and kills. And yes, it's a two-foot tall version of “Steamboat Willie”-era Mickey Mouse (Thornton), complete with black-and-white shorts, shoes, and little captain hat. Naturally, he whistles while he works...on bashing people's heads in. It's a minor missed opportunity that whoever designed Thornton's facial prosthetics didn't leave him able to do a proper whistling pucker-face, which would have been a comedic cherry on top – ADR does the work instead, which, fine. The gore effects are at least plentiful, but they, like the Mickey makeup, are not at the same level as in a Damien Leone film.

As fate and story convenience would have it, Willie is unleashed on a particularly foggy night, one in which most of the boats are told to stay in the harbor, though the “Mortimer” makes it out just before that order goes into effect. Willie has a new destination in mind; one which ties into his past and a possible sequel. In the meantime, he might as well kill most of the passengers and crew for fun, notably including a gaggle of drunk party girls dressed to look just-this-side-of-legally similar to specific Disney princesses.

The ferry itself is a wonderful location – given Art the Clown's previous appearance on Pete Davidson's Bupkis, I'm going to assume the Staten Island connection earned director Steven LaMorte a deep discount on location fees. Because it's a working boat, there are also some great background shots of New York City, and the harbor itself, that would normally be the provenance of much bigger productions. It's possible, though, that this one fell too in love with all the scenery. The Winnie the Pooh slashers got straight to the point; this one takes a while to just hurry up and reveal what we all know is coming, and 102 minutes is at least 15 minutes longer than it needs to be.

Considering that I've seen Thornton as a masked killer in Stream, using very recognizable Art-like body language, I was all the more impressed that his Willie is totally different. Miniaturized via special effects and puppetry, he does cartoony dances, giggles, and whistles. It's nowhere near as savage as South Park's pervy, tyrannical, corporate-boss parody of Mickey, but it's appropriately ridiculous, especially when an actual black and white cartoon reveals his origin. Thornton previously played a barely legal parody of the Grinch in LaMorte's The Mean One; if he ever graduates to aliens, as Doug Jones did, he's got the goods to start raking in the big bucks.

And LaMorte is evidently a deep-cut Disney fan. The script is loaded with references to the movies, theme parks, and trivia, and not in a cynical “I know that thing too” kind of way like most parody movies these days revel in. LaMorte plays the references in ways that aren't essential to the story he's telling, and for the most part, nobody stops and mugs to call attention to them. It's more a case of hey, if we know as much as he does, we'll keep up, and if not, no biggie, which is the exact right way to do it.

With that said, even though the kills deliver, there's a limited amount of character development we can get on a real-time ferry ride, and the attempts to draw out suspense when the killer is this ridiculous just feel like filler. Willie is the real star here – try as it might, the movie cannot make me care about aspiring fashion designer Selena (Allison Pittel), who finds New York City a bit too tough. The movie's single best sight gag involves Willie cartoonishly falling for her via an absurdist special effect – had the plot played this up, and made Willie's kills more in the service of eliminating potential suitors, it might have felt like there was a more purpose-driven plot here. But at the risk of spoiling, which you can't really do for a movie like this, if Willie is now in love with Selena, his whole motive for hijacking the boat suddenly becomes less relevant. If the script didn't spend so long between the initial tease and him finally showing up again, the actual story could play out more rather than coming mostly as last-minute reveals.

I love the idea of this movie, and I'd love to see what could be done in another editing-room pass. There's enough humor and silliness – a really juvenile bit involving a severed penis unleashed my inner Beavis – to make for a consistently entertaining B-flick if we could just lose all the dead zones. Being first out of the public domain exploitation gate no doubt carries a financial bonus, but artistically, I'm just going to hope that any potential sequel takes a bit more time to get it right.

[I think it's just coincidence that two of the movies I've reviewed this week feel like they could use another draft; the rush to finish is in both cases understandable, and for different reasons, but to the detriment of the finished creative work.]

Screamboat comes out on Blu-ray and VOD starting May 2^nd.

Images: Sleight of Hand Productions/Iconic Events Releasing

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