A. Bumer Krittick's Academy Award Predictions
How does it feel...that the winner is blowin' in the wind?
[Editor's Note: A. Bumer Krittick is a seventy-something year-old man who somehow convinced his granddaughter to give him the wi-fi password. His views do not reflect those of ill LYTeracy, but probably, sadly, of more people than you'd expect.]
I WILL NOT BE WATCHING THE OSCARS.
Why do I care what a bunch of spoiled, rich celebrities have to say about another bunch of spoiler, rich celebrities. They should do an awards ceremony for OUR TROOPS in Iraq or whatever. I'd watch that for five minutes or so. Or maybe Holly-WEIRD could give awards to the firefighters who saved their pampered butts because they lived near a forest and didn't realize that wood burns. I wouldn't watch that, but I would respect it.
I've NEVER EVEN HEARD of any of these movies. Except the gay musical, Wicked. And of course, A Complete Unknown, which is going to clean house if anyone intelligent is voting, but that's a mighty big if. Why can't they award movies that everyone has seen? I can't decide if I'm mad that they didn't nominate Deadpool & Wolverine which everyone saw, or happy because it's a bunch of CGI superhero sequel crap that I presume is bad even though I never watched it. All these movies are so visually incomprehensible these days. I can't tell the guy in the red suit apart from the guy in the yellow suit. It's like when I eat a hot dog and forget whether I put mustard or ketchup on it.
Why can't they award more movies like Green Book, the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life? Everyone could relate to the true story of how white guys my age ended racism for good because we realized black people are better at music than everybody else. Except Bob Dylan, of course. But then, I'll repeat one more time, no less a legendary jazzman than Peanut Butter Biscuits McWashington III once said, “Bobby Dylan, that boy is an honorary black man. My Jewish brother from a mother of another color.” So there you have it.
I assume they made a movie about a transgender Mexican gangster just to piss off Cheetolini, our new dictator-in-chief, which is fine by me, as long as I don't have to watch it. Some people accuse me of being conservative, when I'm actually as liberal as I have been for sixty years without changing. Anyway, both sides are equally bad. Republicans are racist, and Democrats want to send me to jail if I forget to use the right bathroom. I couldn't vote for either one. There was something about Kamala that I just didn't like; I can't put my finger on it.
Tom Cruise should have done a movie this year. Maybe he even should have played Bob Dylan, but that might have been too much to handle. He would have insisted on peeling off Bob's real face, and nobody wants that. Maybe he can play Keith Richards instead, because they both live forever. Ha! That joke never gets old. Like Tom Cruise.
Demi Moore might win best actress because Chris Rock reminded everybody of G.I. Jane. Now that was a good movie. I haven't seen The Substance because I don't like chick flicks, but I'm sure she's hot in it. Plus there's a sympathy vote for Bruce Willis, I bet. Anyway, there's something about Cynthia Erivo I just don't like, but I can't put my finger on it.
That chick who played Joan Baez should win best supporting actress, but these kids today will probably give it to Ariana Grande. I've never heard any of her songs, but it seems like her movie was just a rip-off of Green Book, with her defeating racism by discovering black people can sing better. DUH, we know! I was in the trenches of that one, kiddo! And having everything in the movie be green makes it a bit obvious, don'cha think?
I know Zoe Saldana is a favorite, but there's something about her I just don't like. Can't put my finger on it, though.
I don't know what Anora is. Wasn't that She-Ra's real name? I don't watch comic-book crap, at least not since George Reeves did Superman Meets the Mole Men, which was better than any of these computer cartoons today, because it was really about something. The Brutalist? I thought they made that movie where Adrian whathisface was in the Holocaust already. Holocaust movies are important, so maybe it should win. I might have to make myself watch it.
The bottom line is that everyone should bow before A Complete Unknown, the cinematic masterpiece about the inscrutable genius of Bob Dylan. It's like people don't get what the title means! “A complete unknown” isn't just a song lyric – it's about Bob Dylan himself! Because he's inscrutable, and brilliant, and you can never really know him completely! That sort of brilliant wordplay alone should win it best screenplay. If I think about it, it also refers to the fact that Dylan was an unknown musician at the beginning of the movie. Amazing.
Edward Norton as Pete Seeger has to beat McKinley Caulkin's brother. HAS to. He's just playing himself, from what I've seen of that movie, which isn't much. I don't like kid actors. (He should go HOME ALONE without a trophy, whaddaya think?) I assume the Mexican transgender movie will get best foreign film because I haven't heard of any other foreign films this year. I liked when they gave it to Godzilla.
The real question is whether or not the woke mob has canceled Bob Dylan yet, with their pitchforks and torches, like they did with Woody Allen, another inscrutable genius who was the voice of my generation. When he disappeared, it seems like actual movies for grown-ups did too. Anyway, like I said, if people knew their history, they'd understand Bob Dylan is an honorary black man and thus can't be canceled for being white. Not that the wokesters care – they just want to throw everyone over 60 into a Stalinist gulag for saying what we think, which is actually what everyone thinks but isn't brave enough to say.
So here are my final predictions: A COMPLETE UNKNOWN for everything, and maybe Dune 2 for special effects. I didn't see that because I don't like Zendaya movies. I can't quite put my finger on why.
Tell everyone these are your picks too, and when people ask why, reassure them “A. Bumer Krittick told me so.” I'm reliably informed that the usual response to this is “Okay! Bumer!” which tells you that more people secretly agree with me than they'd normally admit due to politics.
Agreeing with me is never politics, though.
Just common sense.
Images courtesy of Searchlight Pictures